Happy Birthday my Blog

So Happy belated birthday to my blog.

Hurray!!!

I wont go into how none of you noticed nor wished my blog a happy birthday (fuck you) because i didnt notice either (fuck me).

Anyway it's a year last Monday since i first posted a blog post. I've been generally quite happy with the responses i've gotten over the year. Generally.

Nah, it's all been good, so thank you and thank you for reading.

I got to admit I was pretty pissed off when i didnt win any blog awards nor was i nominated. I mean everyone knows this blog is at least 100% better than every other single blog out there.

Anyway, im not bitter but

FUCK YOU DEVIOUS THEATRE's BLOG

I hope it snows today. I heard its snowing in Dublin.

My Letter to Santa 2

Dear Santa,

Hate to be a pain, but i wrote to you almost over a week ago, by over a week ago i mean Sunday.

The reason i write again is because you didnt (bother?) replying. The thing is Santa, i need that fuckin hover board.

I really cant tell you why but i fuckin need it man.

You better fuckin deliver it. There's no reason why i dont deserve it.

I donated blood for fucks sake, BLOOD. That makes me a fuckin hero.

There's plenty of little shit faced fat kids that get loads of presents and all im asking for is a skateboard that has no wheels but moves around via magnetic forces.

I also need €3000.

Dont be a cunt and write back.

Dave

A Letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

Hey it's me, DAVE MINOGUE!!!!

How've you been bud?!

I tried adding you on Facebook but i dont think you added me back. Maybe you dont use it that often. But we're still cool, right? I didnt exactly get what i wanted for Christmas last year and to be fair i was a little bitter about it.

I'm totes over it now though.

Sorry i haven't wrote to you all year and i dont blame you for thinking that i only ever write when i want something...it's not true. Not even nearly.

I'm just always really busy from January to November.

Look, i need a favour. I've tried asking God, but as an agnostic and a general ass hole, i dont think he takes me too seriously. Besides the favour is not really for me, i think everyone would benefit from this...

I need a Hover board.

I know what your gonna say;

'Dave, your very clearly on the naughty list.'

Well just hold on and hear me out, dickhead. I can explain everything.

I'm sure once put into context, each of my wrong doings/crimes, your opinion of me will change and you will begin to perceive me in the same light i do.

Ok, firsty- all the lies. Well i only ever lied to save my own back, get things to go my way, to make me seem like a better person or to get stuff i wouldnt ordinarily deserve- so technically i dont think i should be held responsible for those things as lying is a survival technique.

( By the way; If you see the Make a Wish Foundation could you thank them for the yacht? Also, could you tell them i'm dead?)

The theft. This is kinda awkward. I was at that house party and i didnt like the way the host's friend talked about women... So, yes; i did take the potted trees, mirrors, chair, food and possibly a remote (?).

But, Santa, the guy was a chauvinist... i'm a modern man, am i just supposed to lie down and accept this behavior? No is the answer. Thats what the Jews did when Hitler was being a Chauvinist and look what happened to them.

Yes, i have urinated in or on a few things that i really had no right to urinate on. It's not a big deal for me so i'd appreciate it if you wouldnt make a deal out of it. Thanks.

All the other bad stuff i've done shouldnt count because i dont remember them aka they never happened.

So, i'm sure you agree; I'm a great person and deserve a hover board.

If you could drop it over to mine that would be swell :)

Also, if it's not too much trouble could you bring it earlier? Like the next few days...there's no real reason, i just dont want to have to wait till X-mas day.

Anyway i got to go because X-Factor is on. Do you know Jedward?

Seasons wishes,

Dave Minogue.

Ps- I've grown a beard too.

Short Shorts

We (thanklessfilms) made another short.

The whole mantra of doing one a week might have to go out the window. I'm afraid we're up against the exact same problems that Chaplin, Griffith and Fairbanks* faced when initially set up United Artists; its fucking tough to make a film every week.

Anyways we'll try make them as often as we can.

Again we wont be thanking Alan Dawson for music. Fuck him.

Nor will we be thanking Der Tobin for anything.

Jane Murphy can go Fuck herself.

And Top Twenty, Mary's Cathedral and The Yard Café can eat my dick if they think we're gonna acknowledge them for high jacking their stores or religious refuge for shooting.

Share the link if you like it.

* Fuck Pickford.

10 Things I Can Do That Batman Cant

1: Sleep at night.

2: Let go of the past.

3: Drink alcohol.

4: Go on a date without having to fuck off inexplicably half way

through.

5: Talk to my parents.

6: Kill someone (...technically we can both do that..he's just made a sacred oath to himself not to...I'm playing it by year*)

7: Walk down dark lanes without having dramatic flash backs.

8: Relax.

9: Make witty remarks. I dont think he can do that. He's pretty schtum about most things...except CRIME

10: Play with kids without it seeming really messed up...or making them dress up in tights.

I'd still rather be Batman...having said that i kinda wish i put up less pictures of Batman getting off with a teenage boy...fuck.

* I know the phrase is 'play it by ear' but that doesnt make that much sense, so i say 'play it by year' which kinda makes more sense to me.

"Collusion"

Hey,

we made a short the other week, this is her here...

We're working on more and hope to have one out every week....which i can tell you right now that its most likely not going to happen..but we'll try.

And if anybody has any idea's/scripts/wants to take part feel free to contact us at thanklessfilms@gmail.com and we'll see what happens.

We might catch a meal and a drink? Shit, did that sound like a date? Lets just play it by year, see what happens. No point rushing these things. I love you.

Anyway;

We're working under the pretense that we're never going to say thanks or mention anyone in the shorts so i'll just say who i'm definitely not going to thank...

I'm not going to thank Der Tobin or Hazel Fahy. Never.

I'm not gonna thank alan dawson for sound

Nor am i gonna thank Colm <>

Anyway its based on real events. Der's a perv

An Open Letter to Thierry Henry

Hey Thierry,

Did you ever wake up and wonder '...is this the same universe i went to sleep in last night?'

Well i'm pretty sure that the universe i find myself in today is very definitely not the same as the one from last night.

I know i havent even left the room yet, nor am i dressed and should probably conduct some physics experiment to make sure but really, I dont need to.

A gaze through my window and its evident enough that Kansas isn't in Kilkenny anymore.

Its not your typical alternate universe where doughnuts fall from the sky or Gwyneth Paltrow doesnt die, its the kind of universe where everything is the exact same....but seemingly different.

But if everything is the exact same then it really cant be different.

But if a lived life is subjective and there is a shift in the subjectivity then perhaps it has altered somewhat.

According to Buddhist lore (do Buddhist's call it lore?) ;

'If a man walks across a room, he returns a different man'

Great Scotts Henry! I walked across my room several times already today.

I probably dont even know who i am anymore.

My finger nails are too long.

I've got that song 'Stacey's Mom' looped in my head.

My mouth has dry mouth.

The apocalypse is outside.

My anus is itchy.

Eliza McLoughlin has jumped 6 points over night.

Who the fuck is this person? Who is he who i am? And what fucking space time continuum is he who i am in?

Anyway, our campaign to have Karen Reidy kicked out of Europe is going well. We just need more people to vote her out. Could you ask the French soccer team to vote? Here's the link.

Best wishes,

Dave

Ps Hope the match went well for you. I didnt get a chance to watch it as i was watching something else.

Help Me Kick Karen Reidy Out of Ireland.

Hi, how are you?

Great, great. Listen, shut up for a minute, i need a favour.

I need your help.

There's this girl, Karen Reidy, she doesn't like me, and i dont like her but thats fine.

But i've found a cunning way of getting her kicked out of the country but i need YOUR help.

(Yes, i am the type of ass hole that uses opportunities to have people he doesn't like kicked out of the country)

Seemingly she's entered a competition and if she wins they fuck her off to some war torn impoverished country to feed them or some shit (who cares right?).

It's almost like some genie popped out of a lamp and was like;

"Hey buddy, want a wish?"

and i was like

"Yeah dude, i'd love one. I wish-"

"- Whoa, Hold on dude, there's some rules; You get one wish but it has to be about Karen Reidy."

"Dude, are you fucking serious? What kinda wish is that? She's like my Arch Enemy and shit."

"Thems the rules dude."

"Fine, send her to Uganda or some other hole to fall in, fucking waste of a wish man"

"For real? You wouldn't wish to like fuck her up the ass or something?"

"Nah, just send her to Uganda and be done with it"

Well anyway that wish has Finally come true. Well almost.

She's in a competition to go over there and do shit to help or whatever.

The way i figure it is this;

Its a win win situation. We all benefit from this. All of us.

Uganda gets fed.

You feel good for sending someone over because lets face it;

If your name isn't Eddie Brennan- your probably not going to do shit about Uganda, ever.

Karen gets to live her dream breast feeding Africa.

The Ugandans get a white girl of their own.

And i get to live in an Ireland knowing that Karen's not around.

How cool is that?

Trust me, we're better off without her.

Here's what i need you to do;

I need you to click this link.... here I know i've asked people to click stuff before and about 90% haven't but seriously i'm trying to save Africa. Click the link.

You dont even have to bother watching her video/pitch - Trust me, she deserves this. (Besides, the production value is terrible)

Click the link under the video saying vote for Karen and then pray to fucking jesus or muhamad or whatever it is you believe in (I pray to Jerry Seinfeld) pray that he sends her the fuck out of this country.

And also, if you could do me the added favour of asking your friends to vote too I'd really appreciate it.

Put it on your facebook/twitter/blog/tshirt anything.

Lets Get Rid of Karen Reidy Together (LGRKRT)!

Thanks.

Ps the other people in the competition sound like bigger knobs but you know the saying 'Keep your enemies closer than you keep Karen Reidy'.

Dave Minogue

Babysitting...Minogue style...

I dont want to say my mother isnt good at raising children...but i think this picture taken of my nephew under the care of my mother, kinda begins to explains why i turned out the way i did.

A lot of you probably dont know this but...I'm short sighted.

That was tough to admit.

I need glasses.

It's my hidden shame.

I dont wear them because i dont actually believe in the use of perscription glasses or drugs.

Also, glasses are for NERDS.

Anyway, my vision isnt that impaired. I just have trouble reading the number 11 on clocks. Recognising faces. Reading road signs. The colours green and orange, twilight, mornings and Sundays. It's kinda hard to explain how being shorted sighted affects my Sundays and mornings but it does, believe me, it does.

Anyway please dont call the ISPCA on my ma. She's really good with Ryan... especially after her second glass of wine and before her 7th. So from 12- 6 every day she is really good with kids.

And i'm pretty sure Ryan's mother, Carol, is a good mother too...if she was ever around.

7 Signs of Crazy

1: You find eating carrots hilarious.

2: You think you have osteoporosis on your left side but can never prove it.

3: All of a sudden you cant stop listening to Tom Jones.

4: You forget to put in sentences.

5: You pretend your Smeagal in the shower.

6: You yell at traffic more.

7: You wonder whether or not all crocodiles are edible*..... a lot.

*Im aware that you can eat crocodile but is it all crocodile or is it just fresh/salt water crocodile? You know?

A Poem by Dave Minogue

Here's a free verse poem i wrote. It took me ages too. It'll probably win a literally prize

A seething ball of rage,

Rolls and boils in turmoil in the inner lyons of my stomach.

I wake with the delusion that it is a yesterday,

But then the today thaws through the deluded day,

Then the reality cracks into existence,

And bursts it's shit all over me face and makes me drink it's piss.

Literally.

Bono called.....

Bono rang me last night- Again.

He's worse

than those concern adds, always ringing when i'm eating my dinner....

'Dave, it's Bono, from U2.'

'Yeah Bono. I know when you call. I have your name saved in my phone. What's up? I'm just about to eat my dinner.'

'You are? But i thought you had you dinner at 7 o'clock?'

'Bono, how many times do i have to tell you? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I have my dinner at half 6. Thursday, Friday and Saturday i eat at 7. Sundays between 2 to 3. Sundays are different.'

'Oh right, ok. Well do you have a minute now?'

'Yeah, but make it quick ok? Hollyoaks is on'

'Its not that important Dave- Only Ending World Poverty'

'Fine, go on, what is it?'

'Did you get the November

National Geographic...?'

'Yeah.'

'Did you see the part about oven boxes?'

'I skimmed through but i got the gist'

'Well?'

'Well what?'

'Do you think they'd work in Africa?'

'I guess.. they are solar powered'

'Fuck. I think this might be it Dave.'

'Might be what?'

'The End of World Poverty.'

'Look Bono, dont get your hopes up. You thought that about wind up radios too.'

'Yeah- they worked. We just needed more wind

up radio stations'

'Maybe'

'But Box Ovens Dave. Imagine it. Stop closing your eyes for a moment and just dream it....The blacks wont need big expensive ovens anymore. We dont need to worry about eletricity or the government. This puts ovens back into the hands of the people.'

'Bono, look-'

'No Dave, You Look.'

'....?................................................at what Bono?'

'The bigger picture. Imagine it Dave, Ending Stupid World Poverty Forever. Do you have any idea how Stupid poverty is? Just take off your blindfold. Take it off, Man. We could end it. We just need to get these oven boxes to the people. If we could just take off people's blind folds...ya know?'

'Ok, lets just say we get these oven boxes to the people- What are they going to put in them? The problem is lack of food and general resources...not ovens.'

'............hadn't thought of that.'

'No. You never think these things through. You just ring me up willy nilly and start sprouting on about the end of world poverty-.'

'Hey, man relax. I'm out there fighting this thing. Every fucking other day, i'm out there. Fightin, for the blacks'

'I know Bono, i know.'

'You have no idea what its like growing up in Ireland-how Secular everything is there- being persecuted for being catholic. Priests are cunts too'

'Bono your from Dublin'

'Being white aint easy you know'

'Bono your not making sense'

'Because you refuse to see the truth, because your eyes are closed and you wrapped a blindfold over so even if you bothered to try open them you'd still see nothing.'

'Bono, i gotta go....'

'No, wait... '

'...?...yea?'

'Any goss for me?'

'What?'

'Any goss? Anything strange?'

'Am...no, my dinner is getting cold-'

'Liam Gallagher bummed me last night...'

9 Things That Go Through My Head While Driving

1: I bet the guy behind me think i'm cool.

2: Only I know the real rules of the road.

3: Is it a race?

4: Why are all white van drivers are ass holes?

5: Its totally a race.

6: Traffic lights are an archaic systematic structure that are a hinderance on the evolution and flow of traffic. They are nothing but arbitrary unresponsive signals that give or take movement without relevance to the needs and demands of the chaotic patterns of the system... Who are they to tell me when i can and can not drive? The fuckin man, thats who. Telling us to go to work for nine, go home at five, all so we can sit in traffic and wait and feel our blood pressure boil so we buy the drugs we need that they sell us, to calm us down, hike up the price of our health insurance because...cool it's green. About time.

7: It's like me, the guy up and ahead and they guy behind me are all part of an unstoppable over taking super team.

8: Sometimes, round abouts seem magical.

9: Cool, I'm winning.

Grit # 2

This is the second installment of my photo series 'Grit'

This one is called

'La Break Up'

My Interview with the River Valley Band

It was a cold morning and it was raining heavily outside. I was making my way to interview the River Valley Band. They insisted on being interviewed by a river. Initially i thought it was for a photo op but i was informed by their manager i was not allowed take pictures of any of them nor was i to make eye contact or try remember what they looked like. Their mystic and intrigue only grew and grew (in my pants).

Finally, my big day arrived.

When i got to the river, there was no one around. At first i thought i had mis understood the directions and was therefore lost. I waited for a bit, close to half an hour. I was about to leave when out of the tree's came Dave Barry, the RVB's manager slash wardrobe consultant.

'Where's the band?' and 'do you think its cool to leave people waiting in the woods Dave Barry?' were my first questions.

'It was a test of patience ' said Dave Barry 'You have passed'.

He took out a rams horn and blew it east.

A gust of wind picked up.

He pointed to the river and whispered '....look'.

As i turned; I saw the RVB emerge from a veil of fog in a well crafted home made Viking long boat.

So there i was, sailing down the River Nore with The River Valley Band. I'm not going to lie, i was nervous, so nervous that my hands were shaking.

Danny Cody, the bands lead singer leaned forward and wrapped his hands around mine.

'Relax' he assured 'we know where we're going.'

'To the sky' said Dave Thompson, the drummer, seen left.

I looked at them and took a deep breath, I was in the presence of Gods.

'Ok' said I, 'Lets get this going!!!'

Eoin Leadbetter and Liam Teehan started chanting, i think it was a gregorian chant, i couldnt be certain.

'Lets interview, little man, lets interview' said Danny.

I drew my breath...

'The RVB has reputation for being quite a cut throat band in terms of criticizing other bands and musicians that are out there, would you care to elaborate on that?'

Danny steps up first, 'Yeah i would actually; All music, ALL of it, past 1980, is, Shit.'

'Yeah, write that down and put it in your blog' add's lead guitarist Connor Brett, as he spits his tabasco flavoured tobacco over board.

'Ok, so where does that place ye then? Considering it's 2009.....?' says i.

'Well, we're not shit because we have a certain affinity to the old days' -Liam Teehan, serial bassist.

'I dont quite follow'- says me.

'Well, imagine you had a time machine and took it back in time, spent a few years there and then want back to the future and remembered that time you went back in time. Thats pretty much our attitude towards our music' -

Dave Thompson.

'Yeah, like a holiday to Spain. Like, say you might have gone to Spain once and come home and then you remembered what its like to be a Spanish person but your not.' -Eoin Leadbetter.

'Yeah, cos we're Irish'- Danny.

'We feel a bit American too'- Connor.

'Feeling American is tough for us- because we hate America'

-Liam.

'Yeah, because of Bush'- Connor.

They all grumble 'fuck Bush' or various sentiment.

'Interesting. There is quite a strong country/blues influence in your music, what is it about country music that grabs you so?'- me

'Well first off- we HATE country music' -Thompson.

'Yeah, we're nothing like country. If you bothered to ever listen to our music you'd know that. Country music has fiddles and shit, you hear any fiddles in our music? The answer is No. We hate FIDDLES.' -Danny

'Country music is SHIT. '- Thompson.

They all agree with him.

'If i ever a met a country music musician i'd probably kill him' -Eoin.

'Me too' says Connor 'here, write this down too; Im going to kill Garth Brookes'

'He'll fuckin murder him' -Liam.

'And another thing; Fuck the Beatles' -Thompson.

'Yeah, write this down too; Beatle Mania is Over! Prepare for River Valley Band Mania'- Connor.

'Fuckin four chord wonders' -Danny.

'The River Valley Band?' Me.

'No, man thats us. Fuck the beatles' -Eoin.

'Ok, so what exactly is your influences?'- I ask.

'Well Bob Dylan. Obviously.'- Danny.

'Did you get that River Valley Band Mania quote?'- Connor.

'Yes'

The River Valley Band's single 'Kimberly' is out now and available for download on itunes, www.download.ie, it's only 99 cent a download so- don't bother your arse. Email me and I'll send you a FREE copy.

PS- click m' link under the post.

8 Chat Up Lines That Never Worked For Me

Ok, here we go, in autobiographical chronological order;

1: You going to mass?

2: Hi, i got your number from the board in work...

3: Ever put a flaccid circumcised penis in your mouth?

4: I'm a poet.

5: You like 'Seinfeld'?

6: That's not what Freud said...

7: Where did you get your computer?

8: Wanna meet the Mayor?

The Hangover.

The fear encroached my existence yesterday.

That all pervasive fear and despair fell down my spine and crutched my soul.

The night before was the demon that sleighed me.

That over priced mead which had enriched me the previous night, had broken me for the day.

There was no soothing thought, there was no moment of relief, the day lived a thousand centuries and i died not one of them. I burned in the fiery pits of Dante's inferno, two doors down from the gates of Mordor.

I wept for salvation.

But she fought me on every turn.

I was too weak to battle her. Sleep was my only weapon and time was my shield.

Let me sleep she did not.

Barking her ring in my ear.

Screaming her death in my face.

Burning my demons in my eyes.

Throwing my lines up to a shitty bleached pond.

With the echo of empty moments crashing and thrashing about through all rationality.

A scorched soul i lay, on my bed, all that day.

Waited,

Waited,

Waited,

As darkness drew around,

I waited some more.

I made oath after oath, never to return.

Never again to wage a war over my soul.

Never again to gamble so recklessly with the nectar of the gods.

Then finally, a moment passed where i knew she no longer wished to suckle away on my mortal spirit no more. Her fill had been filled and i was left for empty.

She had taken all she could and left me a pitiful creature.

She left me with only the dregs of humanity. Which i tenderly us

ed as kindle to ignite a spark of life back into this empty vessel.

After that i was grand. Was fuckin starvin though.

***If you like this, please click the ad link below, it gives me money***

'Grit #1'

This is the first installment of a photo series project i'm working on.

The series is called 'Grit'

The title of this first piece is;

'Man on Toilet Watching the Mentalist'

I'm going to be selling a limited number of these pictures so please hurry and place your orders. So email me.

Dont forget to click the link underneath which will give me money.

10 Thing i'd Rather do than Exercise:

1: Talk to Fran Drescher on the phone for twenty minutes.

2: Go on a first date with Pat Kenny.

3: Eat a gone off apple.

4: Shave my balls.

5: Read a glamour magazine and find out about celeb's body language or why they are going grey.

6: Clean my room.

7: Rub sun cream lotion on another mans back.

8: Hug a knacker.

9: Use a used tissue.

10: Shit my pants.

Thats right; I'd rather shit on myself than run for twenty minutes or pick up something.

(Click the link below, it gives me moneys)

The Pro's and Con's of Having a Beard

Pro:

People respect me more.

Con:

It can collect food and drink in itself if im not careful.

Pro:

I like brushing it.

Con:

I dont have a brush.

Pro:

People mistake me for jesus.

Con:

People mistake me for a pedophile.

Pro

Kids dont.

Con:

Having the beard has ruined my drag act.

Pro:

It hides my weak jaw.

Con:

I have a weak jaw and now i can never shave again.

Pro:

I dont have to shave again.

Con:

I bought loads of razors.

Con:

People ask me am i with the Taliban.

Pro:

People want to touch my face more.

Con:

People touch my face.

Pro:

It's not as ginger as i'd imagined.

Con:

People tell me i'd made a good Santa.

Pro:

I would make a great santa

Con:

That means im fat.

Pro:

Nobody calls me 'beardy' which was my biggest fear.

Con:

Nobody calls me.

Pro:

It's like a holiday away from myself.

Con:

It limits my options for disguise.

Pro:

It hides the ugly.

Con:

Im ugly.

Pro:

It acts like a male Burka

Again, if you like this post, please take a moment to click on the ad directly beneath this post.

Racist Much?

Look, this is gonna be my third political blog in so many weeks (must look what that saying means) but i for one am fed up of all this Obama bashing.

If you bash Obama, thats bashing a black man, which makes it a hate crime.

So stop.

Now.

Please?

The guy is trying to kill nuclear boom booms.

Finally the cold war could end...

A triumph that not even the late great Christopher Reeves can lay claim to.

The cold war crippled Christopher Reeves.

What happened was; Christopher Reeves and Gorbachev decided to say 'Fuck this' to nukes and throw them at the sun- the biggest star in our solar system.

Little did they know that Lex Luthor, a bald peoples rights activist, had spunked onto some of Christopher Reeves' hair and sneakily hid them on a nuke. Because of science the sun ended up giving birth to a Gay German Uber Man and they ended up having a big fight on the moon.

True story.

Evidently the Gay German Uber Man threw an elevator on Christopher- which turned him into a quadriplegic.

Anyway, in my opinion, chocolate Jesus deserves that golden noble

peace prize because he's gonna do what Superman could never do, kill Russia. And all you people who say otherwise are text book examples of what it means to be a Nazi.

Yeah.

Anyway, thats it, if you like my blog or this post please show your gratis by clicking one of the ads under the post, it gives me money and costs you nothing. It'd be awfully sound of you.

A Damaging Report on the Department of Social Welfare by dave minogue.

So, yeah, like i had to re-sign on to the dole today because i like literally just finished doing a 10 month long FÁS course (which was literally worse than that school trip to Auschwitz).

So i got got up early and went in for two.

Ugh RAIN!?!?!?!?!?!

Why does everything S*** have to happen to me?

So i went into the social welfare office-

OMG.

The WHOLE place STiNKS of farmer! Like what is up with that? Are ALL the farmers unemployed now? If so how come we still have milk?

I was lucky, because i didnt have to queue and i'd seen on the news that the queues were bad- i totally dont do queueing. How perverse.

So i was like, talking to the girl behind the counter. And she was a total B.

I cant help it if i'm unemployed and dress better than she does. Thats her problem. Why was she taking it out on me? We're all victims of the recession but we dont have to be victims of fashion too.

That girl needs to GET OVER HERSELF

She was like 'Where do you live?'

And i was like 'In Bennetsbridge i think'

And she was like 'on the Kilkenny side or the Thomastown side?'

'Eh, how do i know? Isnt that your job?'

Then she was all 'have you got proof that you live there?'

-

What was her problem? So much attitude. Like, what did i do? Seriously, what did i do? Nothing.

Eugh.

I mean, i get that they have to look at all the smelly unemployed farmers all day but why do they have to take it out on me? Cos i'm good lookin and not uglii, like all the unemployed farmers?

I'm mean, like, thats prejudice.

So anyway, she was like 'go get proof that you live there and fill out this form and bla bla bla bla bla'.

Is it any wonder i walked out? How dare she. Calling me a liar in front of all the farmers. My daddy doesnt pay his taxis so people like her can look down on me.

And if that cow from the social welfare is reading this;

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Funny Video

I Shave My Balls Now.

Recently enough, the argument for shaving my balls was presented to me. At first i was totally against the idea.

'How dare you!' i would scream.

'I'm a real man' i would shout.

'This is how god made me' and the door would slam.

I couldnt keep running from the argument. Running from the truth.

Eventually i was sold on two issues;

1: Image. Image is everything, allegedly.

2: The illusion of size.

3: Smell.

The number three of the two reasons to shave my balls was the biggest deal breaker for me.

I can handle it looking like a former bearded circus midget working in the car boot sale but i couldnt handle the idea that there might be a smell down there.

So, i went off and shaved my crotch. It was a horribe ordeal.

The first few days were weird.

I could tell he wasnt happy with me.

Cowering away, ignoring me, sobbing all night.

I couldnt touch him.

I was getting the cold shoulder alright. I'd crawl into bed and i wouldnt even get a kiss goodnight.

It was tough. But after a few days we worked through it and managed to get over it together and began to enjoy our new hair free life together.

Here's a list of ten things my shaved balls look like:

1: Nosferatu

2: Krang from 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'

3: A baby bird......but man sized.....

4: A guy in a shit Juggernaut costume.

5: The 'Hey You Guys' guy from the Goonies.

6: Truman Capote.

7: Gail Porter.

8: Someone with leukemia (i wont put up a picture).

9: A James Bond Villain.

And Finally......

10: Bruce Fuck'n Willis.

I like the fact my dick looks like Bruce Willis....and i'm pretty sure he'd be glad that he looks like my dick too.

They might even ask my dick to be a stunt double for Bruce in Die Hard 5.

Are You Serial?

Here's something that really pisses me off;

Several people have come up to me to talk about the referendum, which is cool. It's always nice to be engaged into socially relevant conversations.

What isn't nice is people saying proudly that they voted No, acting defiant and using the excuse that they didn't know enough about it to say otherwise. That my friends, is bull shit and an insult to democracy. Freedom of expression is of no use to anyone if you don't know how to use it.

Besides a vote isn't an expression of freedom. It's a question posed with an a/b/c answer.

If you dont know; then dont vote no. No or yes is a decision, not an indecision. Don't vote or at least spoil it. Enough spoilt votes count.

If your still unsure please just read up on it. There is plenty of information out there.

The arguments for a yes vote may seem weak; but thats because its comparable to a haircut, or a getting a new phone, or updating the software on your computer- you might not necessarily need it right now; but you will, soon.

The 'if it's not broke- don't fix it' logic doesn't sell. It's very hard to argue why you should make slight changes when something is apparently working well. But thats not the point, it's a future proofing of sorts, to enable us to make more progress in more efficient and wide spread ways.

You do it to maintain the health of the system.

The 'No' campaign is neo conservatism passing itself off as liberalism. It's making fools of the listener playing on their fears and decent sensibilities. All you have to do is look at who is funding their campaign and the people that are leading the support for the No vote.