Bono called.....

Bono rang me last night- Again.

He's worse

than those concern adds, always ringing when i'm eating my dinner....

'Dave, it's Bono, from U2.'

'Yeah Bono. I know when you call. I have your name saved in my phone. What's up? I'm just about to eat my dinner.'

'You are? But i thought you had you dinner at 7 o'clock?'

'Bono, how many times do i have to tell you? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I have my dinner at half 6. Thursday, Friday and Saturday i eat at 7. Sundays between 2 to 3. Sundays are different.'

'Oh right, ok. Well do you have a minute now?'

'Yeah, but make it quick ok? Hollyoaks is on'

'Its not that important Dave- Only Ending World Poverty'

'Fine, go on, what is it?'

'Did you get the November

National Geographic...?'

'Yeah.'

'Did you see the part about oven boxes?'

'I skimmed through but i got the gist'

'Well?'

'Well what?'

'Do you think they'd work in Africa?'

'I guess.. they are solar powered'

'Fuck. I think this might be it Dave.'

'Might be what?'

'The End of World Poverty.'

'Look Bono, dont get your hopes up. You thought that about wind up radios too.'

'Yeah- they worked. We just needed more wind

up radio stations'

'Maybe'

'But Box Ovens Dave. Imagine it. Stop closing your eyes for a moment and just dream it....The blacks wont need big expensive ovens anymore. We dont need to worry about eletricity or the government. This puts ovens back into the hands of the people.'

'Bono, look-'

'No Dave, You Look.'

'....?................................................at what Bono?'

'The bigger picture. Imagine it Dave, Ending Stupid World Poverty Forever. Do you have any idea how Stupid poverty is? Just take off your blindfold. Take it off, Man. We could end it. We just need to get these oven boxes to the people. If we could just take off people's blind folds...ya know?'

'Ok, lets just say we get these oven boxes to the people- What are they going to put in them? The problem is lack of food and general resources...not ovens.'

'............hadn't thought of that.'

'No. You never think these things through. You just ring me up willy nilly and start sprouting on about the end of world poverty-.'

'Hey, man relax. I'm out there fighting this thing. Every fucking other day, i'm out there. Fightin, for the blacks'

'I know Bono, i know.'

'You have no idea what its like growing up in Ireland-how Secular everything is there- being persecuted for being catholic. Priests are cunts too'

'Bono your from Dublin'

'Being white aint easy you know'

'Bono your not making sense'

'Because you refuse to see the truth, because your eyes are closed and you wrapped a blindfold over so even if you bothered to try open them you'd still see nothing.'

'Bono, i gotta go....'

'No, wait... '

'...?...yea?'

'Any goss for me?'

'What?'

'Any goss? Anything strange?'

'Am...no, my dinner is getting cold-'

'Liam Gallagher bummed me last night...'

9 Things That Go Through My Head While Driving

1: I bet the guy behind me think i'm cool.

2: Only I know the real rules of the road.

3: Is it a race?

4: Why are all white van drivers are ass holes?

5: Its totally a race.

6: Traffic lights are an archaic systematic structure that are a hinderance on the evolution and flow of traffic. They are nothing but arbitrary unresponsive signals that give or take movement without relevance to the needs and demands of the chaotic patterns of the system... Who are they to tell me when i can and can not drive? The fuckin man, thats who. Telling us to go to work for nine, go home at five, all so we can sit in traffic and wait and feel our blood pressure boil so we buy the drugs we need that they sell us, to calm us down, hike up the price of our health insurance because...cool it's green. About time.

7: It's like me, the guy up and ahead and they guy behind me are all part of an unstoppable over taking super team.

8: Sometimes, round abouts seem magical.

9: Cool, I'm winning.

Grit # 2

This is the second installment of my photo series 'Grit'

This one is called

'La Break Up'

My Interview with the River Valley Band

It was a cold morning and it was raining heavily outside. I was making my way to interview the River Valley Band. They insisted on being interviewed by a river. Initially i thought it was for a photo op but i was informed by their manager i was not allowed take pictures of any of them nor was i to make eye contact or try remember what they looked like. Their mystic and intrigue only grew and grew (in my pants).

Finally, my big day arrived.

When i got to the river, there was no one around. At first i thought i had mis understood the directions and was therefore lost. I waited for a bit, close to half an hour. I was about to leave when out of the tree's came Dave Barry, the RVB's manager slash wardrobe consultant.

'Where's the band?' and 'do you think its cool to leave people waiting in the woods Dave Barry?' were my first questions.

'It was a test of patience ' said Dave Barry 'You have passed'.

He took out a rams horn and blew it east.

A gust of wind picked up.

He pointed to the river and whispered '....look'.

As i turned; I saw the RVB emerge from a veil of fog in a well crafted home made Viking long boat.

So there i was, sailing down the River Nore with The River Valley Band. I'm not going to lie, i was nervous, so nervous that my hands were shaking.

Danny Cody, the bands lead singer leaned forward and wrapped his hands around mine.

'Relax' he assured 'we know where we're going.'

'To the sky' said Dave Thompson, the drummer, seen left.

I looked at them and took a deep breath, I was in the presence of Gods.

'Ok' said I, 'Lets get this going!!!'

Eoin Leadbetter and Liam Teehan started chanting, i think it was a gregorian chant, i couldnt be certain.

'Lets interview, little man, lets interview' said Danny.

I drew my breath...

'The RVB has reputation for being quite a cut throat band in terms of criticizing other bands and musicians that are out there, would you care to elaborate on that?'

Danny steps up first, 'Yeah i would actually; All music, ALL of it, past 1980, is, Shit.'

'Yeah, write that down and put it in your blog' add's lead guitarist Connor Brett, as he spits his tabasco flavoured tobacco over board.

'Ok, so where does that place ye then? Considering it's 2009.....?' says i.

'Well, we're not shit because we have a certain affinity to the old days' -Liam Teehan, serial bassist.

'I dont quite follow'- says me.

'Well, imagine you had a time machine and took it back in time, spent a few years there and then want back to the future and remembered that time you went back in time. Thats pretty much our attitude towards our music' -

Dave Thompson.

'Yeah, like a holiday to Spain. Like, say you might have gone to Spain once and come home and then you remembered what its like to be a Spanish person but your not.' -Eoin Leadbetter.

'Yeah, cos we're Irish'- Danny.

'We feel a bit American too'- Connor.

'Feeling American is tough for us- because we hate America'

-Liam.

'Yeah, because of Bush'- Connor.

They all grumble 'fuck Bush' or various sentiment.

'Interesting. There is quite a strong country/blues influence in your music, what is it about country music that grabs you so?'- me

'Well first off- we HATE country music' -Thompson.

'Yeah, we're nothing like country. If you bothered to ever listen to our music you'd know that. Country music has fiddles and shit, you hear any fiddles in our music? The answer is No. We hate FIDDLES.' -Danny

'Country music is SHIT. '- Thompson.

They all agree with him.

'If i ever a met a country music musician i'd probably kill him' -Eoin.

'Me too' says Connor 'here, write this down too; Im going to kill Garth Brookes'

'He'll fuckin murder him' -Liam.

'And another thing; Fuck the Beatles' -Thompson.

'Yeah, write this down too; Beatle Mania is Over! Prepare for River Valley Band Mania'- Connor.

'Fuckin four chord wonders' -Danny.

'The River Valley Band?' Me.

'No, man thats us. Fuck the beatles' -Eoin.

'Ok, so what exactly is your influences?'- I ask.

'Well Bob Dylan. Obviously.'- Danny.

'Did you get that River Valley Band Mania quote?'- Connor.

'Yes'

The River Valley Band's single 'Kimberly' is out now and available for download on itunes, www.download.ie, it's only 99 cent a download so- don't bother your arse. Email me and I'll send you a FREE copy.

PS- click m' link under the post.

8 Chat Up Lines That Never Worked For Me

Ok, here we go, in autobiographical chronological order;

1: You going to mass?

2: Hi, i got your number from the board in work...

3: Ever put a flaccid circumcised penis in your mouth?

4: I'm a poet.

5: You like 'Seinfeld'?

6: That's not what Freud said...

7: Where did you get your computer?

8: Wanna meet the Mayor?

The Hangover.

The fear encroached my existence yesterday.

That all pervasive fear and despair fell down my spine and crutched my soul.

The night before was the demon that sleighed me.

That over priced mead which had enriched me the previous night, had broken me for the day.

There was no soothing thought, there was no moment of relief, the day lived a thousand centuries and i died not one of them. I burned in the fiery pits of Dante's inferno, two doors down from the gates of Mordor.

I wept for salvation.

But she fought me on every turn.

I was too weak to battle her. Sleep was my only weapon and time was my shield.

Let me sleep she did not.

Barking her ring in my ear.

Screaming her death in my face.

Burning my demons in my eyes.

Throwing my lines up to a shitty bleached pond.

With the echo of empty moments crashing and thrashing about through all rationality.

A scorched soul i lay, on my bed, all that day.

Waited,

Waited,

Waited,

As darkness drew around,

I waited some more.

I made oath after oath, never to return.

Never again to wage a war over my soul.

Never again to gamble so recklessly with the nectar of the gods.

Then finally, a moment passed where i knew she no longer wished to suckle away on my mortal spirit no more. Her fill had been filled and i was left for empty.

She had taken all she could and left me a pitiful creature.

She left me with only the dregs of humanity. Which i tenderly us

ed as kindle to ignite a spark of life back into this empty vessel.

After that i was grand. Was fuckin starvin though.

***If you like this, please click the ad link below, it gives me money***

'Grit #1'

This is the first installment of a photo series project i'm working on.

The series is called 'Grit'

The title of this first piece is;

'Man on Toilet Watching the Mentalist'

I'm going to be selling a limited number of these pictures so please hurry and place your orders. So email me.

Dont forget to click the link underneath which will give me money.

10 Thing i'd Rather do than Exercise:

1: Talk to Fran Drescher on the phone for twenty minutes.

2: Go on a first date with Pat Kenny.

3: Eat a gone off apple.

4: Shave my balls.

5: Read a glamour magazine and find out about celeb's body language or why they are going grey.

6: Clean my room.

7: Rub sun cream lotion on another mans back.

8: Hug a knacker.

9: Use a used tissue.

10: Shit my pants.

Thats right; I'd rather shit on myself than run for twenty minutes or pick up something.

(Click the link below, it gives me moneys)

The Pro's and Con's of Having a Beard

Pro:

People respect me more.

Con:

It can collect food and drink in itself if im not careful.

Pro:

I like brushing it.

Con:

I dont have a brush.

Pro:

People mistake me for jesus.

Con:

People mistake me for a pedophile.

Pro

Kids dont.

Con:

Having the beard has ruined my drag act.

Pro:

It hides my weak jaw.

Con:

I have a weak jaw and now i can never shave again.

Pro:

I dont have to shave again.

Con:

I bought loads of razors.

Con:

People ask me am i with the Taliban.

Pro:

People want to touch my face more.

Con:

People touch my face.

Pro:

It's not as ginger as i'd imagined.

Con:

People tell me i'd made a good Santa.

Pro:

I would make a great santa

Con:

That means im fat.

Pro:

Nobody calls me 'beardy' which was my biggest fear.

Con:

Nobody calls me.

Pro:

It's like a holiday away from myself.

Con:

It limits my options for disguise.

Pro:

It hides the ugly.

Con:

Im ugly.

Pro:

It acts like a male Burka

Again, if you like this post, please take a moment to click on the ad directly beneath this post.

Racist Much?

Look, this is gonna be my third political blog in so many weeks (must look what that saying means) but i for one am fed up of all this Obama bashing.

If you bash Obama, thats bashing a black man, which makes it a hate crime.

So stop.

Now.

Please?

The guy is trying to kill nuclear boom booms.

Finally the cold war could end...

A triumph that not even the late great Christopher Reeves can lay claim to.

The cold war crippled Christopher Reeves.

What happened was; Christopher Reeves and Gorbachev decided to say 'Fuck this' to nukes and throw them at the sun- the biggest star in our solar system.

Little did they know that Lex Luthor, a bald peoples rights activist, had spunked onto some of Christopher Reeves' hair and sneakily hid them on a nuke. Because of science the sun ended up giving birth to a Gay German Uber Man and they ended up having a big fight on the moon.

True story.

Evidently the Gay German Uber Man threw an elevator on Christopher- which turned him into a quadriplegic.

Anyway, in my opinion, chocolate Jesus deserves that golden noble

peace prize because he's gonna do what Superman could never do, kill Russia. And all you people who say otherwise are text book examples of what it means to be a Nazi.

Yeah.

Anyway, thats it, if you like my blog or this post please show your gratis by clicking one of the ads under the post, it gives me money and costs you nothing. It'd be awfully sound of you.

A Damaging Report on the Department of Social Welfare by dave minogue.

So, yeah, like i had to re-sign on to the dole today because i like literally just finished doing a 10 month long FÁS course (which was literally worse than that school trip to Auschwitz).

So i got got up early and went in for two.

Ugh RAIN!?!?!?!?!?!

Why does everything S*** have to happen to me?

So i went into the social welfare office-

OMG.

The WHOLE place STiNKS of farmer! Like what is up with that? Are ALL the farmers unemployed now? If so how come we still have milk?

I was lucky, because i didnt have to queue and i'd seen on the news that the queues were bad- i totally dont do queueing. How perverse.

So i was like, talking to the girl behind the counter. And she was a total B.

I cant help it if i'm unemployed and dress better than she does. Thats her problem. Why was she taking it out on me? We're all victims of the recession but we dont have to be victims of fashion too.

That girl needs to GET OVER HERSELF

She was like 'Where do you live?'

And i was like 'In Bennetsbridge i think'

And she was like 'on the Kilkenny side or the Thomastown side?'

'Eh, how do i know? Isnt that your job?'

Then she was all 'have you got proof that you live there?'

-

What was her problem? So much attitude. Like, what did i do? Seriously, what did i do? Nothing.

Eugh.

I mean, i get that they have to look at all the smelly unemployed farmers all day but why do they have to take it out on me? Cos i'm good lookin and not uglii, like all the unemployed farmers?

I'm mean, like, thats prejudice.

So anyway, she was like 'go get proof that you live there and fill out this form and bla bla bla bla bla'.

Is it any wonder i walked out? How dare she. Calling me a liar in front of all the farmers. My daddy doesnt pay his taxis so people like her can look down on me.

And if that cow from the social welfare is reading this;

BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!! BLACK HEAD ALERT!!!!!!!!!!

Funny Video

I Shave My Balls Now.

Recently enough, the argument for shaving my balls was presented to me. At first i was totally against the idea.

'How dare you!' i would scream.

'I'm a real man' i would shout.

'This is how god made me' and the door would slam.

I couldnt keep running from the argument. Running from the truth.

Eventually i was sold on two issues;

1: Image. Image is everything, allegedly.

2: The illusion of size.

3: Smell.

The number three of the two reasons to shave my balls was the biggest deal breaker for me.

I can handle it looking like a former bearded circus midget working in the car boot sale but i couldnt handle the idea that there might be a smell down there.

So, i went off and shaved my crotch. It was a horribe ordeal.

The first few days were weird.

I could tell he wasnt happy with me.

Cowering away, ignoring me, sobbing all night.

I couldnt touch him.

I was getting the cold shoulder alright. I'd crawl into bed and i wouldnt even get a kiss goodnight.

It was tough. But after a few days we worked through it and managed to get over it together and began to enjoy our new hair free life together.

Here's a list of ten things my shaved balls look like:

1: Nosferatu

2: Krang from 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'

3: A baby bird......but man sized.....

4: A guy in a shit Juggernaut costume.

5: The 'Hey You Guys' guy from the Goonies.

6: Truman Capote.

7: Gail Porter.

8: Someone with leukemia (i wont put up a picture).

9: A James Bond Villain.

And Finally......

10: Bruce Fuck'n Willis.

I like the fact my dick looks like Bruce Willis....and i'm pretty sure he'd be glad that he looks like my dick too.

They might even ask my dick to be a stunt double for Bruce in Die Hard 5.

Are You Serial?

Here's something that really pisses me off;

Several people have come up to me to talk about the referendum, which is cool. It's always nice to be engaged into socially relevant conversations.

What isn't nice is people saying proudly that they voted No, acting defiant and using the excuse that they didn't know enough about it to say otherwise. That my friends, is bull shit and an insult to democracy. Freedom of expression is of no use to anyone if you don't know how to use it.

Besides a vote isn't an expression of freedom. It's a question posed with an a/b/c answer.

If you dont know; then dont vote no. No or yes is a decision, not an indecision. Don't vote or at least spoil it. Enough spoilt votes count.

If your still unsure please just read up on it. There is plenty of information out there.

The arguments for a yes vote may seem weak; but thats because its comparable to a haircut, or a getting a new phone, or updating the software on your computer- you might not necessarily need it right now; but you will, soon.

The 'if it's not broke- don't fix it' logic doesn't sell. It's very hard to argue why you should make slight changes when something is apparently working well. But thats not the point, it's a future proofing of sorts, to enable us to make more progress in more efficient and wide spread ways.

You do it to maintain the health of the system.

The 'No' campaign is neo conservatism passing itself off as liberalism. It's making fools of the listener playing on their fears and decent sensibilities. All you have to do is look at who is funding their campaign and the people that are leading the support for the No vote.

10 Reasons to Vote Yeah ok to Lisbon

Firstly i'm not happy that we are being asked to vote again on the same issue.

It's an extremely democratic way of being un-democratic.

However i am satisfied that there has been enough amended to warrant a second referendum and will not be pursuing legal action against the state. Fuck it, i might anyway.

Anyway here's 10 reasons to vote ok:

1:

Its not a referendum on the government and it's merely an update of the European constitution to make Europe work smoother.

2:

Its not the beginning of an intergenerational move in creating the New World Order it's merely an update of the European constitution to make Europe work smoother, like this guy

3:

It will neither create nor destroy jobs; it's merely an update of the European constitution to make Europe work smoother (However without it; its most likely creating new jobs here will be more difficult, like the plot to a Killnaskully episode).

4:

Padraig Pearse still died for the same thing (free wifi); it's merely an update of the European constitution to make Europe work smoother.

5:

It wont lower the minimum wage it's merely an update of the European constitution to make Europe work smoother, like my balls... which are as smooth as smooth as a bar of galazy chocolate....they taste the same too.... my balls are made of galaxy chocolate.

6:

Just because 'Say no to Lisbon' is graffitied everywhere, doesnt make it cool.

7:

Europe is only interested in increasing the standard of living for people mainly through economic policies and has very little interest in Controlling your mind.

8:

You wont have to go to war, Irelands neutrality will remain because it's merely an update of the European constitution to make Europe work smoother...like me, with da ladies (pronounced lay-hey-these)

9:

Everyone on the No campaign seems to be a nut job. Jim Corr. Dana International. Declan Ganely. Joe Higgens. Sinn Fein. Plus the Vote no campaign's website is shit and nobody wants to give them money.

10:

It's only people on the extreme right who really have a issues with the treaty and in general people on the extreme right tend to be freaks of nature. Hitler. The Pope. Sauron. Thats it.

I Wish i was Japanese.....(not really)

Was at the Street Performance World Championship in the sugar club last july.

Twas a fun night.

Great sandwiches.

20 Things i Forgot to do Today:

1: Shower

2: That charity event

3: Email that woman about that thing.

4: Check my blind spot when pulling into that lane on that road.... sorry ford fiesta.

5: Cure Cancer.

6: Be nicer.

7: Wash my hands in the jacks earlier..... (i didnt forget, i just didnt want to have to say anything to Vinny in the jacks).

9: Number 8.

10: I forgot to 'get' that old gypsy woman 'on the way out' of spar.

11: Change my jocks and socks.

12: Write up that short ... but that's technically last night.

13: Work on my presentation.

14: Write a blog on why you should vote yes.

15: Tell Gary Nolan whats what.

16: Give Grattan that money towards the present for a certain someone.... I'll forget that later too.

17: Get new shoes

18: Go for that walk.... sorry dad.

Thats it i think..... If i forgot something let me know

Several Problems with Lord of the Rings

After watching Lord of the Rings on Channel 4 over the past couple of weekends, i've found myself quite puzzled by some key issues with the plot and characters.

1: The ring.

What the fuck does it do exactly? Ok, i get it makes Sauron more powerful

, but in what way? He apparently still had control over his orc's and uraki without the ring. Plus if it controls everyone; how did they defeat him before, in the flash back?

You'd think that if it controls people or "binds" them, then you wouldnt have much to say about doing what ever Sauron wants you to do ie stop giving him shit.

And if it brings great power to whomever wears it, then how come Frodo was Bollixed by the end of it? And Gollum? It turned him into a retard.

Also, why didnt Sauron just make himself another ring? A better ring? Its not like it was a family heirloom, he built that ring himself. He's too busy or something? It's easier build one hundred thousand orcs than to build one ring? And why does it only make hobbits invisible?

2: Orcs.

If the Orcs are abused elves are they immortal too? Plus i dont get the

evolutionary process of the Orcs. Sauron bet them up till they were dirty Dickensian scum

and then when the abused elves

had sex, they gave birth to orcs? What? No. I dont think thats how it works. Not according to Darwin or science. Maybe Sauron abused them and then used selective breeding to get that orc look...but that still doesnt make sense. I mean, why? Was he just experimenting with selective breeding and stumbled upon Orcs

and thought they were cool? I'm not disputing that he did it, i just dont understand the how or why.

3: Gandalf.

I dont believe he's a wizard. I think he was bluffing. What can he do thats magic? Nothing. Granted, the guys a pyrotechnics expert, knows how to make an excellent entry and is really good at giving advice, but Oprah is all those things and more. She's not a wizard. Is she? NO. Either is Mcguyver, Kanye West or Leona Lewis. So why the fuck is Gandalf a wizard? He's nothing but a show boat. "On the fifth day as the sun rises look east" How about you show up a fucking day earlier and help defend helms deep Gandalf. How many peopled died at the battle of Helms deep because of Gandalf's lust for a glorious entrence? Nearly 300.

4: Sauron.

What exactly was Sauron anyway? Because in the flash back he was a giant black

knight and then in the story he was a giant fire eye. Huh?? And what exactly was his master plan? To kill everyone? Thats it? Why wasn't there any negotiations taking place before all out war? Surely there must have been some middle ground they could've agreed on- it was middle earth after all....................................................................lame.

5: Middle Earth.

Are we seriously expected to buy into the idea that not one or two or three or four but FIVE different forms of humanoids evolved on this one continent? Each with a very similar level of competency? Really? When in the entire history of this Earth, that as far as we're aware, there has never been more than two different species of Humanoids. Yeah right Tolkien.

6: Uraki.

What's their deal? They were formed in mud cocoons like humans in the

matrix but in mud? What?

For the moment; lets say i buy that. Then how come they're born adult size? Is there an infant to adult type process? If so where and when does this take place? If not how have they got such a fine tuned social order when there seems to be no apparent military training or schooling of any sort? At what level is their comprehension? Because they seem well able to communicate and cooperate with each other pretty damn well. I just dont believe that 10,000 Uraki marched on Helms deep in rank and file out of a sheer natural automative process.

7: Gandalf ...again.

If he's such a wise and powerful wizard as he'd have you believe,

then how come he didnt get one of his fancy giant flying eagles to fly Frodo straight to Mordor and dump the ring in there? I'll tell you why; because he's a drama queen. 'Oh you must go on a perilous journey, thousands of people have to die for your freedom blah blah blah, you've got to do it on your own Frodo'. Gandalf doesnt care about anything. Making those two poor hobbits walk the length of Europe all by themselves. Disgusting.

He could have ended the whole thing easily if he hadnt been such a conceited drama queen.

Plus, he knew Bilbo had the ring for years, how come it took him so long to figure out it was the ring? I'll tell you, because he hates Frodo. Notice how at Rivendell he kept going 'Oh i couldnt ask you to destroy the ring Frodo'. He's a wizard all right. A wizard at reverse psychology.

Plus that staff, all it is, is a fancy LED.

Tina Turner's Metamorphosis

'One morning, as Tina Turner was waking up from anxious dreams, she discovered that in her Tina Turner bed she had been changed into a monstrous verminous bug. Tina Turner lay on her armour-hard back and saw, as she lifted her Tina Turner head up a little, her brown, arched abdomen divided up into rigid bow-like sections. From this height the blanket, just about ready to slide off completely, could hardly stay in place. Her numerous legs, pitifully thin in comparison to the rest of her circumference, flickered helplessly before her eyes. Her career, was finally over.

Or was it?'

This is an excerpt from my new semi autobiographical romantic novel 'Tina Turner's Metamorphosis'. If you'd like to read more email me as i fear it may never be published....

My Ten Plus One New Hobby's That i Do

1: Brushing my Beard.

2: Pretending to be people I'm not.

3: Walking. Thanks Dad... I'll repay the favour when your too old to wipe your own arse!

4: Doing charity work (in my mind).

5: Reading classics.... Thank you project Gotenberg.

6: Training to do the Marathon (again, in my mind).

7: Building make shift homes in my mind.

8: Using exclamation marks to let people know i'm joking.

9: Using Facebook Less. Yes that is a hobby.

10: Sweeding classic books.

11: Actively researching what really happened on 9/11 with my research buddy Jim Corr.

Greatest Image Ever...Ever

Happy Birthday Ryan Blog.

It was around this time of the day on this exact day last year that my lil nephew Ryan John Fitzgerald Kennedy Minogue Lee was born.

I remember the moment vividly i was walking back into dublin city centre, from Rathmines, in the rain, opposite Whealans listening to this song below

It was around 6:38 into the song when i got the word of his

birth ....just kidding. But i was listening to the song. I think its the happiest song i know.

Here's a list of 10 ten things i Love about Ryan:

1: He doesnt take 'No' for an answer.

2: He's a breast man. Personally I'm a leg man but i love that he just loves those big ol' titties.

3: He's got HUUUGE balls.

4: He's his own man.

5: He's got loads of teeth now but nonetheless its a gentle bite.

6: He respects my beard.

7: He loves Kiss.

8: He'd DIE for his country.

9: He loves to boogie.

10: He's just fuckin Awesome.

Kanye West's Mind Momements Before...you know

" Taylor Who?

What the fuck?

Are they serious?

Who the fuck is this Taylor Swift?

What about Beyonce? Don't they know Beyoncé's out there? She's got the best damn video i've ever seen....

Are you tellin me, Kanye fuck yeah West; that poor Beyoncé's gotta sit out there and listen to Taylor jesus christ suck my dick Swift, thank barney the dinosaur and the Johanas brothers for...

Who is she?

I bet that video didnt even cost a million dollars... damn sure there was no Pam Anderson either.

I cant believe They are letting this shit happen. Again? Again?! 2007 all over again.

Nobody is gonna say anything? This is too fucked up. And 3 days after the 2nd anniversary of September the 11th?

Where's the Justice? There is no Justice.

Stick up for yourself Beyoncé.

Somebody's gotta do something.

YOU DO KANYE... SAVE BEYONCÉ

No way. Who said that?

YOU DID.

OMG the Kanye West?!

CALM DOWN KANYE, YOU CAN GET OVER YOURSELF ANOTHER DAY. TODAY IS BEYONCÉ'S DAY.

Damn straight. Can you believe this shit?

NO. I CANT. NOBODY CAN. LOOK AT POOR OLD JOE JACKSON

OVER THERE . HE WOULD SAY SOMETHING BUT HE'S TOO HEART BROKEN OVER THE DEATH OF HIS SON. MICHAEL JACKSON.

Poor old Joe Jackson....

IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO DO SOMETHING KANYE WEST. DO IT FOR JOE. LOOK AT HIM...HE WANTS YOU TO DO IT..... NO - HE NEEDS THIS.

But what can i do? I'm only one person.

WHAT WOULD MARTIN LUTHER KING DO?

He wouldnt stand for this shit. Thats for certain.

AND DOESNT GEORGE BUSH HATE BLACKS?

He sure as Hell does.

DAMN STRAIGHT HE DOES.... KANYE, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW BAD YOU FELT AFTER HURRICANE KATRINA? .... WHEN YOU COULDNT SAVE NEW ORLEANS?

...ye- yes, i remember.

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN, KANYE?

No sir.

THEN STAND UP. KANYE; ARE YOU READY TO BE THE KANYE WEST YOU WERE BORN TO BE?

Yes!

WHATS YOUR NAME?

Kanye West.

I CANT HEAR YOU...?

KANYE WEST.

KANYE WEST.

KANYE

WEST.

KANYE

FUCK

YEAH

WEST"

MTV (which is the roman numeral for NAZI's) wont let anyone play the clip of Kanye and the moments after what was previously described, but you can check out this clip which will explain everything. That's assuming you missed out on what happened.

September 11th; What Really Happened?

There i was, sitting in Mrs Kings pass Irish class. It was a Tuesday as you'll remember, I had just returned from a merry lunch in Master Morton's bedroom*.

Everything was as it should be. Mrs King was trying to control the class, Matty Gargan was regurgitating his lunch into the bin. He suffered from bulimia, a disease that haunts many young men his age. Life was jolly and gay.

Until Eddie 'save uganda' Brennan burst

into the room and proclaimed that the World Trade Centre had a little accident with a plane.

The class went crazy. We didnt know what was going on. Who would do this? What was the world trade centre?

Rumours kept surfacing throughout the afternoon. Nobody would tell us anything. I tried checking my phone but it was in the days before internet on your phone worked. We did have internet on phones (mine didnt actually) but it wasnt called

internet on your phone back then. No sir. It was called WEP/WAP. Either way it was shit. You see, back then internet was written in a different code. A code designed for PC screens and it didnt translate on a phone screen accurately. Whats transpired since then is that internet language has evolved so that web pages aren't a certain amount of pixels high or wide but rather written to occupy a certain percentage of your screen.

So for example, this blog is arranged that the text is designed to be say 60% of your screen wide. So if you were on an iphone/psp/ a dell inspiron, it would always be 60% wide, regardless of the size of your screen.

However, back then we still had cathode tubes in the back of our tv and pc screens and by in large most screens were of a very similar size. So the need for this new web language was still a good deal in the future. Not that far actually, as i'm sure you've noticed, technology has, and is, developing at an unprecedented rate and who knows when the next language for website design could be developed.

We sat through that afternoon in a terrified ignorance. There were rumours

that more planes had attacked the towers and that that the cold war had started back up, that the U.S's own government had orchestrated everything and that john morton and

paddy dunne were in love. They were the three main rumours i remember.

Maths class, at around five to four, just as the day was about to end, we got the information we had been looking. The information we would never forget.

Principal Curren, (or DA Curren to the school yard) disrupted the class via the intercom.

He didnt say anything.

He held the microphone up to the radio. Radio one i believe.

All i could hear were the people crying and screaming. "Oh my god there's another one!??!" and then a bunch of screams and then the radio jockey declared that America was under attack.

I looked across at Mick Minogue. He'd wet his pants.

All i remember is not being able to breathe, and the dust. The dust in Mr Shanahan's class. My sinus's were so blocked.

Then a sullen Mr Curren took control of the microphone;

'...the world has gone mad lads..... go home to ye're mothers'.

We walked out those gates scared. Scared little school boys trying to find their way in a mans world.

I remember seeing Mrs. Ryan (or MA Ryan to the school yard) sitting in her green ford fiesta, her knuckles clenched white to the steering wheel. Her face aghast with shock, shaking her head in a fit of denial. It was soooo funny. She did the same thing when the foot and mouth broke out the previous February.

We went down to the Arcade, or maybe it was Sherwoods, we wanted to see what was going on. The images were shocking. We stood watching the towers been struck and destroyed on several really big tv's. The panic and the mayhem.

Matty Gargan's phone rang, it was his mother. All i remember was him moving aside from the group and hearing;

'Yeah, I'm all right mam...I'm no where near it'.

Then i went home and hid under my bed till i was sure it was ok to come back out...on September 12th.

*We ate cock for lunch

September 11th

September 11th. Again.

Such a tragic day. A day in which the world has been changed for ever.

It started off as any other day, the whole world seemed to glisten in that yellow sun's rays as they pounded down on the earths surface.

It was just after noon when it happened. In some ways i think i crossed that line from boy to man on September 11th 2003, the day my balls dropped.