My 5 Point Plan For Michael Noonan

Irelands minister for Finance aka Minister for 'Cleaning Shit Up'  Michael Noonan has arguably the toughest role in Government that any Irish politician has ever had to deal with.  So I've devised a 5 point plan to help him play the only card we got left in this game- Entropy.

Firstly:

Make Over.  He should grow a handlebar mustache, buy a tooth pick and shave his head.  He probably should get a rhine stone studded leather jacket too and a pair of heelys.  Why?  Because he needs to adopt a 'Fuck You' image to match his dry cool action hero wit.  Also, when he socks' it to you, he can then glide out of there on his heelys, flipping you the bird as he slides bakcwards out the door.

Secondly:

Reputation. He needs to get balls deep into a sex scandal to attain alpha male status.  I know getting balls deep into anything is the first step of any sex scandal but I was speaking metaphorically.  I think he should get caught sending pictures of himself dressed as Ceasar with a bunch of sluts of questionable age to Lucinda Creighton on twitter.  I know this is morally wrong and sexist on many levels but we are in the midst of economic war.  Some rules have to be broken.  (That's the face she'd make when viewing his twitpic. )

Thirdly:

Redemption.  He needs to make the public love him so I propose he sell a kidney to a stranger in some arse country nobody's ever heard of.  Showing that he's a man of compassion and also good at geography is bound to warm the cockles of anyone pissed over the orgies with 17 year old girls.


Fourthly:


Rebel.  He should take up smoking Cuban cigars on the steps of the Oireachtas.


Fiftly:

Implementation.  With this new bad boy image, Michael Noonan would then be in the prime position to walk across the ocean to Germany and France and barge into their head office and tell them-

'We're going to restructure our debts right here, right now- Because if you don't- Ireland will sink this sinking ship called Europe in a matter of weeks....and Burn those Mother Fuckin Bond Holders.  So get your act together, Noonan out'

Then he could take that ECB/IMF austerity plan and light it with his cigar and slip glide his way out of there on his heelys.